Southern Sayings Hes Going to Float Up River but He Will Come Back Again
Editors' annotation: This commodity was first published in print in 1994. This digitized version has since been updated to remove offensive lines. A version of this article appears in our 2019 'Honey Letters to Texas' collector's outcome.
Mutual equally cornbread, old as dirt, funny every bit all get-out—homespun expressions link mod Texans to our rural and agricultural past, conveying the resolute spirit and plainspoken humor of our heroes and pioneers. Some sayings are instantly familiar because our parents or grandparents quoted them; others parallel the indisputable wisdom of biblical proverbs or Poor Richard'south Almanac; plenty just make us laugh. We asked twelve renowned artists to illustrate their favorite Texas sayings, and nosotros present as well a sample of other axioms and adages common to the state—a collection of sayings every bit big as all hell and half of Texas.
Adequate
It's meliorate than a poke in the center with a sharp stick.
That'southward close enough for government work.
Might every bit well. Can't dance, never could sing, and it'south too wet to plough.
I could sit however for that.
You can't beat that with a stick.
Boastful
He can strut sitting down.
He'due south all lid and no cattle.
She'south all gurgle and no guts.
He sleeping room-of-commerced it.
Quack
He'south on a first-proper noun basis with the lesser of the deck.
So crooked that if he swallowed a nail he'd spit up a corkscrew.
So crooked yous tin't tell from his tracks if he'southward coming or going.
He knows more ways to take your coin than a roomful of lawyers.
Crooked as a canis familiaris'south hind leg.
Crooked equally the Brazos.
Slicker than a slop jar.
More twists than a pretzel factory.
Crooked equally a barrel of fish hooks.
So crooked he has to unscrew his britches at night.
She's more than slippery than a pocketful of pudding.
He'due south slicker than a boiled onion.
I wouldn't trust him whatsoever further than I tin can throw him.
Honest
If that ain't a fact, God's a possum.
You can have that to the bank.
You can hang your lid on information technology.
Y'all can bet the farm on it.
He's then honest you could shoot craps with him over the telephone.
If I say a hen dips snuff, you lot can look under her wing for the can.
Brave
Brave every bit the first human who ate an oyster.
Brave as a bigamist.
Brave enough to swallow in a boomtown cafe.
He's double-backboned.
He'south got more guts than you could hang on a fence.
He'd shoot craps with the devil himself.
She'd charge hell with a bucket of ice h2o.
Argumentative, Mad
She could start a fight in an empty business firm.
He'd fence with a wooden Indian.
She raised hell and stuck a chunk nether it.
He's the only hell his mama always raised.
He'due south got his tail upward.
She's in a horn-tossing mood.
She's so contrary she floats up-stream.
She'south dancing in the hog trough.
He'll tell y'all how the cow ate the cabbage.
Timid
He stays in the shadow of his mama's apron.
If he was melted down, he couldn't be poured into a fight.
He's outset cousin to Moses Rose.
He wouldn't bite a biscuit.
He's yellow as mustard but without the bite.
He may not exist a chicken, but he has his henhouse ways.
Dry
And so dry out the birds are edifice their nests out of barbed wire.
So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
Then dry out the trees are bribing the dogs.
So dry my duck don't know how to swim.
Information technology'due south been dry so long, nosotros only got a quarter-inch of pelting during Noah's Alluvion.
Then dry I'grand spitting cotton fiber.
Dry as a pulverization firm.
Dry as the heart of a haystack.
Drier than a popcorn fart.
Busy
He's and then busy y'all'd think he was twins.
They're doing a land-part business.
Busy every bit a one-legged homo at an ass-boot convention.
Decorated as a funeral dwelling fan in July.
Busy as a one-eyed dog in a smokehouse.
Busy as a one-armed paperhanger.
Busy every bit a stump-tailed bull in fly season.
Busy as a hound in flea flavour.
Got to slop the hogs, dig the well, and plough the due south forty before breakfast.
Got to get back to my rat killing.
She's jumping like hot grease (or water) on a skillet.
Panting similar a lizard on a hot rock.
No grass growing nether her anxiety.
Unsophisticated
Just fell off the turnip (watermelon, spud) truck.
He's so state he thinks a vii-class meal is a possum and a vi-pack.
They lived so far out in the country that the sun gear up betwixt their house and town.
Capable, Experienced
She'south got some snap in her garters.
He's got plenty of arrows in his quiver.
She's got equus caballus sense.
He's got plenty of notches on his gun.
She's a right smart windmill fixer.
He could observe a whisper in a whirlwind.
There'southward no slack in her rope.
He's a 3-leap cowboy.
He can ride the crude string.
If she crows, the sun is up.
This ain't my get-go rodeo.
General Advice
Pigs get fat; hogs get slaughtered.
A worm is the only animal that can't fall downwards.
Never sign nothing past neon.
Just because a chicken has wings don't mean it can fly.
Keep your saddle oiled and your gun greased.
Yous tin can't go lard unless you boil the hog.
If you cut your own firewood, it'll warm you lot twice.
In that location's more than than one fashion to break a domestic dog from sucking eggs.
Give me the bacon without the sizzle.
Don't hang your wash on someone else's line.
Practise God's will, any the hell information technology may be.
Lick that calf once again? (Say what?)
Why shear a squealer?
Don't snap my garters.
A guilty pull a fast one on hunts his own hole.
Quit hollering down the rain.
Don't rile the carriage master.
Amend to keep your mouth shut and seem a fool than to open information technology and remove all dubiousness.
The barn door's open and the mule's trying to run. (Your wing's downwardly.)
Don't go all het up about it.
There'southward a big difference between the ox and the whiffletree.
There's no tree simply bears some fruit.
Peel your ain buffalo.
You meliorate throw a sop to the dogs.
Don't squat on your spurs.
Any mule'southward tail tin catch cockleburs.
A drought usually ends with a flood.
If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
A lean dog runs fast.
The apple doesn't autumn far from the tree.
Celebratory
Let'due south shoot out the lights.
Nosotros'll paint the town and the forepart porch.
Let'south hallelujah the canton.
Put the fiddling pot in the big pot.
Throw your lid over the windmill.
I'll be there with bells on.
I'll wear my Sunday-get-to-coming together clothes.
He's all gussied upwards.
Big
Fat as a boardinghouse cat.
Fat every bit a town domestic dog.
She's warm in winter, shady in summer.
He don't care what you call him equally long as you call him to supper.
So large he looks like he ate his brother.
So big he has to sit down down in shifts.
Big as Brewster County.
Big as Dallas.
Big as a Brahma bull.
She'd rather shake than rattle.
He'due south large plenty to bear hunt with a branch.
He'south all spread out like a common cold supper.
Wide as two ax handles.
He'll eat annihilation that don't eat him first.
Cheap
Tight as Dick'due south hatband.
Tight as a tick.
Tight as a clothesline.
Tight as a fiddle cord.
Tight as wallpaper.
Tight equally a wet boot.
Tight enough to raise a blister.
So tight he squeaks when he walks.
He'll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo screams.
She has short arms and deep pockets.
Crazy
He's got a big pigsty in his screen door.
She's ane bubble off plumb.
She's one brick shy of a load.
She's two sandwiches brusque of a picnic.
He'southward a few pickles curt of a barrel.
In that location'southward a light or two burned out on his string.
He'due south missing a few buttons off his shirt.
The porch lite's on merely no one'due south domicile.
He'due south lost his vertical agree.
He'south overdrawn at the retentivity bank.
I hear you clucking, but I tin't find your nest.
She'south got as well many cobwebs in the cranium.
Crazy as a bullbat.
Crazy as Larrabee'south calf.
Lucky
He could draw a pat hand from a stacked deck.
He always draws the all-time bull.
He's riding a gravy railroad train with biscuit wheels.
He could sit on the argue and the birds would feed him.
Rich
In tall cotton.
Running with the big dogs.
He didn't come to town two to a mule.
She'due south got more than than she can say grace over.
So rich they tin eat fried chicken all week long.
Rich enough to eat her laying hens.
Poor
If a trip around the world cost a dollar, I couldn't get to the Oklahoma line.
He's so broke he's busted all 10 Commandments.
Poor as a lizard-eating cat.
Hasn't got a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of.
And so poor I had a tumbleweed as a pet.
I ate so many armadillos when I was young, I still roll up into a ball when I hear a dog bark.
So poor we had to fertilize the sills before nosotros could raise the windows.
Poor every bit sawmill rats.
He's broke as a stick horse.
He's also poor to pay attention.
And so poor the wolf won't even stop at their door.
Then poor their Lord's day supper is fried water.
Likewise poor to paint, as well proud to whitewash.
Hot
Hot every bit Hades.
Hot as the hinges (or hubs) of hell.
Hot as a depot stove.
Hot as a two-dollar pistol.
Hot as a billy caprine animal in a pepper patch.
Hot as a summer revival.
Hot as a pot of cervix bones.
Hot as a stolen tamale.
Hot plenty to fry eggs on the sidewalk.
Hotter than whoopee in woolens.
Hotter than a honeymoon hotel.
Hotter than a burning stump.
Hotter than blueish blazes.
Hotter than a fur coat in Marfa.
So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Cold
This is squealer-killing weather.
There's only a strand of barbed wire between here and there, and information technology's down (after a blizzard).
Cold as a well-digger's articulatio genus.
Common cold every bit a frosted frog.
Cold as an ex-wife's heart.
Common cold every bit a bandage-iron commode.
Cold as a banker'due south heart.
Cold as hell with the furnace out.
Sad
I feel lower than a gopher hole.
I feel so depression I couldn't jump off a dime.
She eats sorrow by the spoonful.
Yous wait like you were sent for and couldn't go.
Distressing enough to bring a tear to a glass eye.
He looks like the cheese vicious off his cracker.
Small, Thin
She'southward frying size.
He'south knee-high to a grasshopper.
He'd have to stand up to look a rattler in the center.
About every bit big as the lilliputian cease of nothing.
Half equally big as a minute.
No bigger than moles on a chigger.
Scrawny equally Ace Reid cattle.
Nothing between the horns and hooves simply hide.
Sparse as a bar's ear.
Sparse as a gnat'south whisker.
Thin equally store-bought thread.
Thin as Depression soup.
Thin equally a fiddle string.
Thin as a rake and twice as sexy.
Flat every bit a fritter.
Deficient-hipped.
So skinny she has to stand twice to brand a shadow.
So skinny y'all could give her a Big Red and employ her as a thermometer.
And so skinny she shades herself under the clothesline.
Bad, Mean
He's such a liar he'd shell you senseless and tell God you vicious off a equus caballus.
He was born lamentable.
He's so depression he'd steal the widow's ax.
He'd steal his mama's egg money.
He'd steal the flowers off his grandma's grave.
He'd steal the nickels off a dead man's eyes.
No-business relationship swain.
Biting as gall.
Tough as nickel steak.
Tough as stewed skunk.
Tough as whang.
Mean equally a mama wasp.
Friendly as a bramble bush.
She makes a hornet look cuddly.
A she-bear in satin.
Rough every bit a cob.
He looks like a sheep-killing dog.
He lies similar a tombstone.
He wouldn't scratch his own mama's fleas.
He's got horns holding up his halo.
Nosotros're not on borrowing terms.
You're so low yous have to expect upwards to see hell.
He'due south so low you couldn't put a rug under him.
He jumped on me with all iv feet.
A real revolving son of a bitch.
Fast
He jumped on me like a duck on a June bug.
He jumped on me similar white on rice.
He can blow out the lamp and leap into bed before it gets dark.
He gets there in one-half less than no time.
Quick out of the chute.
Fast as greased lightning.
Fast as small-town gossip.
Faster than a prairie fire with a tail wind.
Faster than a scalded cat.
Faster than double-struck lightning.
Faster than a sneeze through a screen door.
Going like a house afire.
Hell-bent for leather.
Whatsoever faster and he'd catch up to yesterday.
In a New York minute.
Strong
His breath's and so strong y'all could hang out the washing on it.
That java's so potent information technology'll put hair on your chest.
Coffee and then strong information technology'll walk into your cup.
Coffee so strong it'll raise a claret cicatrice on a boot.
He'south and then strong he makes Samson wait sensitive.
Arrival/Greetings
Look what the true cat dragged in.
Company'due south coming; add together a loving cup of water to the soup.
We've howdied but we oasis't shook.
Put on your sitting britches.
Let's chaw the rag.
Departure/Proficient-bye
Let's low-cal a shuck.
It's time to heat up the bricks.
It'due south time to put the chairs in the wagon.
It'south fourth dimension to swap spit and striking the road.
Information technology'southward fourth dimension to put out the fire and call in the dogs.
He'southward heading for the railroad vehicle yard.
Let's blow this pop stand.
That almost puts the rag on the bush.
Church building is out.
That's all she wrote.
Patience
Hot will cool if greedy will let it.
Accept a spud and wait.
Don't get your panties in a wad.
Wash off your war paint.
Tired
Looks similar she'south been chewed up, spit out, and stepped on.
Looks like she was rode hard and put away wet.
She looks like chewed twine.
He looks like Bowser's bone.
I was born tired and I've since suffered a relapse.
One wheel down and the beam dragging.
I'k near near past going.
Sick
He's got a hitch in his gitalong.
Sick as a dog passing peach pits.
All stove up.
I'thou so sick I'd have to get better to die.
Sore as a boil.
Her hopper'southward busted.
As full of pains every bit an old window.
I've got the green apple nasties.
He looks similar death warmed over.
So ill he needs ii beds.
Distressing every bit a 3-legged canis familiaris.
Talkative
He could talk the legs off a chair.
He could talk the gate off its hinges.
He could talk the hide off a moo-cow.
He could talk the ears off a mule.
He shoots off his mouth and so much he must eat bullets for breakfast.
He's got a x-gallon mouth.
She speaks ten words a 2d, with gusts to fifty.
Her tongue is plumb drained.
She's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth.
She beats her own gums to decease.
He blew in on his own wind.
He's a live dictionary.
He'due south a chin musician.
She has a bong clapper instead of a tongue.
He was vaccinated with a Victrola needle.
Nervous
All cutting up like a boardinghouse pit.
Smiling like a mule eating cockleburs.
Nervous as a pregnant jenny.
Nervous equally a fly in the glue pot.
Nervous as a woodshed waiter.
She'south chewing her bit.
Caution
You were too hard to raise to take chances.
Don't dig up more than snakes than you lot can kill.
Whistle before you walk into a stranger's army camp.
Don't plow also close to the cotton.
A dead snake can still bite.
A dead bee can still sting.
Don't tip over the outhouse.
Putdowns
Even a bullheaded hog can detect an acorn once in a while.
Anytime y'all happen to pass my house, I'd sure appreciate information technology.
What did yous do with the money your mama gave you for singing lessons?
Were you raised in a barn?
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Even the chickens nether the porch know that.
Y'all smell like you desire to exist left alone.
Go peddle your own produce.
Go cork your pistol.
If you interruption your leg, don't come running to me.
Whatever greases your wagon.
Problem
Got a big hole in the fence.
I got my ox in a ditch.
He loaded the wrong wagon.
They hung the wrong equus caballus thief.
He ripped his britches.
There'southward a yellowjacket in the outhouse.
Wasting Time
Preaching to the choir.
Burning daylight.
Arguing with a wooden Indian.
Whistling upwardly the wind.
Hollering down a well.
Vain
He bankrupt his arm patting himself on the back.
He thinks the sun comes upwards merely to hear him crow.
I'd like to buy him for what he'south worth and sell him for what he thinks he'll bring.
She'southward so spoiled salt couldn't save her.
She'due south and so spoiled she expects spoon-feeding.
Drunkard/Drinking
He wasn't born, just squeezed out of a bartender's rag.
Drunker than who shot John.
Snot-slinging boozer.
Drunk as Cooter Brown.
Boozer every bit a skunk.
Don't chop any wood this night; Daddy's coming abode with a load.
Tighter than bark on a log.
I've got the whistlebelly thumps and skull cramps. (A hangover.)
Calling for Earl. (Throwing up.)
Jugging and jawing.
Commode-hugging, knee-walking drunk.
Desolate
Looks like hell with everyone out to luncheon.
Out where the buses don't run.
Dead
Buzzard bait.
He gave upwards his guitar for a harp.
He ate a bitter pill.
Unwelcome
As welcome as an egg-sucking dog.
Every bit welcome as an outhouse breeze.
As welcome as screwworm.
Every bit welcome as a porcupine at a nudist colony.
As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.
Every bit welcome equally a moisture shoe.
As welcome as a tornado on a trail drive.
Like shooting fish in a barrel
No hill for a stepper.
Slick every bit a whistle.
Like shooting fish in a barrel as pie.
Difficult
Similar trying to purse flies.
Like putting socks on a rooster.
Piece of cake equally pissing up a rope.
Failure
He blames everything on the weather or his raising.
He got caught in his own loop.
He came close to the dollar pocketknife.
Smart
Vivid as a new penny.
Smart as a hooty owl.
No flies on my mama.
Smart equally a whip.
Impaired
If a duck had his brain, it would fly northward for the winter.
He doesn't have enough sense to spit downwind.
If he was salary, he wouldn't even sizzle.
If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea.
He carries his brains in his back pocket.
Dumb every bit clay.
Impaired as a box of rocks.
Dumb every bit a barrel of hair.
Dumb as a post.
Dumb equally a wagon wheel.
Dumb as a prairie canis familiaris.
Dumb as a watermelon.
He doesn't know "come here" from "sic 'em."
He doesn't know enough to pound sand downwards a rat hole.
He can't ride and chew at the same time.
So stupid if y'all put his brains in a bumblebee, information technology'd fly backwards.
If all her brains were ink, she couldn't dot an i.
If all his brains were dynamite, he couldn't accident his nose.
He don't know which end's up.
He don't know a widget from a whangdoodle.
He don't know nothing from nothing.
He don't know diddly squat.
He couldn't pour piss out of a boot with a hole in the toe and the directions on the heel.
If he had a brain, it'd die of loneliness.
So thick-headed yous can hit him in the face with a tire iron and he won't yell till forenoon.
He could screw up an anvil.
Crush
He gave me the wire-brush handling.
I got sandpapered.
I'll snatch yous bald-headed.
I'll whip you like a redheaded stepchild.
I'll knock you plumb into next week.
He got his tail feathers trimmed. He's been saucered and blowed.
He sure cleaned your turn.
Unacceptable
Not what I had my face up fixed for.
Like hugging a rose bush.
Nothing to write home about.
That dog won't hunt.
I'd just as soon seize with teeth a bug.
I don't cotton to it.
Dislocated
Confused as a goat on AstroTurf.
My tongue got caught in my eyeteeth and I couldn't run across what I was saying.
I tin explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
He ran 'em around the barn.
Cattywampus to Miss Jones'south.
Immoral, Wild
They telephone call her "radio station" considering anyone can option her upward, especially at night.
He's wilder than a peach orchard boar.
Loose every bit ashes in the wind.
Loose as a bucket of soot.
Wilder than an acre of snakes.
She uses her sheet for a tablecloth.
He was born on the wrong side of the blanket.
She's found a new dasher for her churn.
They ate supper before they said grace.
They planted their crop before they built their fence.
They're hitched but not churched.
They've got a cotton-patch license.
Pregnant
She's got a bun in the oven.
She's sitting on the nest.
She's got one in the chute.
She'due south been storked.
Citified
Raised on concrete.
Doesn't know a scrap from a butt.
Y'all don't alive longer in the urban center; it just seems that way.
Noisy
Noisy every bit two skeletons dancing on a tin can roof.
Noisy every bit a restless mule in a can barn.
Noisier than cats making kittens.
Noisier than a cornhusk mattress.
Louder than Granddad'southward Sunday tie.
He called his hogs all night. (Snored.)
He learned to whisper in a sawmill.
Inept, Worthless
He could fall up a tree.
Couldn't ride a nightmare without falling out of bed.
He couldn't knock a hole in the wind with a sackful of hammers.
So bad at farming he couldn't raise Cain.
He couldn't hit the flooring if he vicious out of bed.
Handy as hip pockets on a pig.
Worthless as teats on a bull.
Worthless as a sidesaddle on a sow.
Not worth spit.
He couldn't organize a pissing contest in a brewery.
Useless as two buggies in a 1-horse town.
He could screw up a two-machine funeral.
Tie a quarter to it and throw it away, and you can say you lost something.
He's got no more risk than a June problems in the chicken coop.
He's a solar day late and a dollar brusque.
He can't win for losing.
He's sucking hind teat.
I demand that like a tomcat needs a trousseau.
She's itching for something she won't scratch for.
Why close the befouled door subsequently the horses are out?
No more good than an eyeless needle.
Similar warming upwards leftover snow.
Like pushing a wheelbarrow with rope handles.
Like sweet-talking the h2o out of the well.
Expert, Happy
Sweeter than stolen honey.
Sweeter than baby'south breath.
Sweeter than an quondam maid's dream.
He took to y'all like a pig to persimmons.
He took to you similar a fish to water.
Happy as a boardinghouse pup.
Happy every bit a clam at loftier tide.
Happy every bit a hog in mud.
Safe as Granny's snuffbox.
Off-white to middling.
Pert every bit a cricket.
Soft as a two-minute egg.
All wool and a yard wide.
I'thousand cooking on a forepart burner today.
If I felt whatsoever better, I'd drop my harp plumb through the deject.
If I felt any better, I'd think it was a setup.
Fat and sassy.
All sweetness and light.
This is so good it'll make childbirth a pleasure.
Fine every bit frog fur.
Fine as dollar cotton.
Fine equally boomtown silk.
Fine as cream gravy.
The porch light is always burning.
Long as I got a beige, you got half.
Distance
Down the road a slice.
A fur piece.
Plough left past yonder.
I won't say information technology'south far, only I had to grease the wagon twice before I hit the main route.
Two hoots and a holler abroad.
Lazy
He hangs out more often than Mama's washing.
He's similar a blister—he doesn't show up till the work's all done.
Shy
Shy as a mail-gild bride.
Shy equally a crocus.
Shy as sapphires.
Dark
Equally dark as the inside of a wolf.
Nighttime as coffin air.
Night as a pocket.
Night as a cow.
Dark as a blue norther.
Dark every bit the devil's riding boots.
Dark as truck-finish coffee.
Handy
Handy as sliced bread.
Handy equally shirt pockets.
Handy as a latch on the outhouse door.
Scarce
Scarce every bit hen'southward teeth.
Scarce as grass around a pig trough.
Scarce equally pelting barrels.
Boring (as a knife)
Y'all could ride all the way to Big Jump on information technology and never split a hair.
It wouldn't cut hot butter.
You could scratch your back with it and never draw blood.
Dull (tiresome)
As exciting as waiting for paint to dry out.
As exciting as a mashed-potato sandwich.
Equally much fun equally chopping wood.
Slow as Henry'due south bone.
Miscellaneous
Independent as a pig on ice.
I don't know yous from Adam'due south off ox.
Thick as the dew on Dixie.
Thick as fleas on a farm dog.
That'due south 2 different buckets of possums.
Things are going to hell in a handbasket.
Come hell or loftier water.
Lord willing and the creek don't ascension.
I don't care if information technology harelips the governor.
Serious as the business end of a .45.
Baptists and Johnson grass are taking over.
He'southward so slow he could gain weight walking.
Out like Lottie's eye.
Source: https://www.texasmonthly.com/being-texan/more-colorful-texas-sayings-than-you-can-shake-a-stick-at/
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